QUEEN OF DIAMONDS

I needed $500 to play against Geraldine in Flip Wilson's nightly poker game at the Sahara Hotel. But my money was already spent on fashions and family. So the reliable MGM hotel manager, Mike, cashed my $200 check giving me the chance to parlay it into the $500 which I needed. Even though an hour earlier I'd just arrived in Vegas to work on the satellite telephone network; the work would have to wait until my gambling urge was satisfied. I couldn't even wait for a cab and found myself trotting across Flamingo Blvd, past the Barbary Coast, to The Flamingo Hilton with one focus in my mind - build up my stake to $500 quick as possible. The twenty-one tables were full, but one high-limit crap table was practically empty. A smart gambler such as myself had no fear of the .7% house advantage from playing the pass-line taking full odds. Just as soon as I picked up the dice they heated up, (wow) and any concern over increasing from $200 to $500 was dispelled. I assumed the image of a successful high roller - looking sharp in my double breasted business suit. I was quickly betting all the long-shot high-pay-off hard-ways.

As my table action exceeded a thousand, my imagination began whispering to me as to how I was going to roll-over Flip Wilson's inept poker skills tonight for a third trip in a row. Then suddenly Steve Martin with two beauties strolled up to my table. My pride was instantly taken-a-back-step as I was no longer the most well dressed gentleman in the Casino or the center of attention. Steve Martin in his white suit with black tie gained the spotlight. These three "celebrities" squeezed next to me at the table. They bet nothing, but were "game" and joined into the cheering as I continued rolling winners. In between rolls, I attempted to establish a rapport with this classy trio and pay Steve the honor of his presence. Eventually it dawned on me that this guy was NOT really Steve Martin, but an impostor with a striking physical resemblance who knew all the clich�s. I turned to him, grinned, and shouted, "You ain't Steve Martin." His pompous answer was, "Naw, we're from Missouri." The game had to wait until we all finished laughing including the dealers.

There was no image to live up to here. He was just a "good ole boy" putting on an act. Being from Carolina, I took an instant liking to all three of them. The little darling doll next to me actually touched my hand as we continued laughing at "how they'd faked me into thinking he was really Steve Martin for several minutes". He quit his Steve Martin clich�s and talked in his normal voice. I loved their Southern accents. And acknowledged, Danny, Cheryl, and Charlotte. I'll refer to Danny as Steve to avoid confusion in this article. I was still shooting the dice and found it hard to chat with this Diamond Lady, Charlotte, next to me. I wouldn't know a diamond if I saw one, but wondered how wealthy she was with the dangling, diamond looking, prism earrings. I called her the Queen of Diamonds, but she corrected me, asking that I call her Charlotte. She was perfectly dressed and groomed and about ten years younger than me. There was no way I was going to allow her to escape me without my best PASS.

Steve explained to me that they needed to go buy their tickets for Charro's evening performance. I couldn't bare losing Charlotte this quickly - I had to make my move NOW. My imagination spun and quickly came up with - a clumsy ploy - I followed through on my silly brain -- I moved my right hand about three inches and tugged her red dress, with a firm pinch on the fabric and softly said, "Don't Go." I about fainted, when she told Steve to get her ticket & one for me too. She was staying with me at the table. I turned into butter - what can a guy say !!

Before the Charro show began, we all went to the Sahara Hotel for me to showoff my poker stills. You should already know that Flip Wilson is a great impersonator of the "mouthy mamma - Geraldine" At no charge to the public, Flip would play Seven Card Stud, never folding a hand, practically giving away hundreds of dollars each night for about one hour. This losing activity was a perfect escape for Flip from the high pressure of his popular Vegas Shows. He would become "Geraldine" as everyone in the poker room would roar with laughter. Once in a while he'd win a pot and they'd go nuts. In no time things really lit up as Geraldine and my new friend Steve Martin were trying to outdo each other's clich�s. These two impostors were on-their-game, as everyone was cracking-up.

Geraldine paid two players $150 each to leave the table, freeing up two seats at the table for Steve Martin and I to join the game. We boldly accepted Geraldine's challenge and bought-into the poker game. The girls obviously did not want Steve to try his luck on the POKER table! Regardless of their objection the lure of remaining in the spotlight caused Steve to jerk us into our "free" seats. I could tell from the looks on the girls' faces that they envisioned their trip as being ruined. I felt responsible and tried to appease Steve's inevitable bankruptcy. Geraldine blurred out, "I've never paid $300 for two men before. Mister. Martin, now you're mine -- wheeee". Geraldine had goaded him into disaster. Danny was no gambler - he was a salesman of beauty products - a four-flusher - an actor - an impostor, a Steve Martin look-a-like, not a poker player. Believe it or not Geraldine and most of the spectators, really thought that Danny was the REAL Steve Martin. That is how well he played his lines.

I had played at Geraldine's table several times before and she (he) remembered me as a solid player. I told Danny clearly, "Geraldine is like Redd Fox - he never folds, therefore you can't bluff him."

Stupid Steve had emptied his wallet when he bought-in, with $1,000 trying to impress everyone as any real movie star would do. He & Geraldine continued trading fashionable insults. Soon their ego's were on-the-line Then Steve got into a hand heads-up with Geraldine. Heads up there is no limit on raises. Steve started raising on first-street. Then on second street he showed a deuce and eight of spades and continued raising as Geraldine had begun re-raising. Didn't he remember what I'd told him - "don't bluff". It was apparent to me that he was going to lose it all, because Geraldine kept saying - "Mr. Martin's got no gonads". I just knew we were going to have to sell their Charro tickets back just to raise their return-home plane fare. I'd have to help them with expenses and give up most of my profit from the stupendous run on the crap table. Besides the financial crash which I was feeling - there was the "Sweet Charlotte" I was NOT going to experience either, due to all the unforeseen turmoil. Our only "OUT" was to get Steve to FOLD. He wouldn't listen. I couldn't be too obvious, because coaching is not allowed - "one player per hand". I was dying - I didn't care - I said, "Fold the damn cards, ya idiot!"

The security guards hustled me out of the card room and set me at the bar. Charlotte followed. She gave a little kiss on my angry cheek and said, "They would survive, they're good friends, and all work together." I came so close to walking out of the Casino, even though this gal was wonderful. I felt no place in my head for romance. I just stewed inside, reached in my pocket, then handed Charlotte my entire WAD of cash. "Keep it, you'll need it,. Don't even offer to buy me a drink ."

I lost consciousness - I lost all recollection of what happened until - Steve and Cheryl walked up and grinned. I had nothing to say. You know what Steve said? - "I had a flush first 5 cards. All spades. Here's Geraldine's $1,300." Steve then told me, "What did it -- was when you got kicked-out and played your part so well. Then Geraldine could not conceive of me having my flush."

We returned to the Flamingo to see The Charro Show. Right there in the showroom Charlotte did nothing but kiss all over me while stuffing my own money back into my pants. I was really embarrassed, but felt like a stud.

Afterwards we exited the elevator at the MGM's 14th floor heading to my room. I pointed out, "Did you notice that we are both married?" Her answer was a definite - Yes. My room was comp'ed with a sunken hot-tub in the center. I can't write more about this, because this is a gambling/poker story, not a sexy story. There are lessons in all of life - "Even a Queen of Diamonds can actually be a Queen of Hearts."