JV'S KILLER POKER: "RAISE!"

BY: John Vorhaus

Imagine that you're playing poker. I know this is hard, since you only spend, like, every possible minute doing that exact thing anyhow, and don't deny it because otherwise why are you reading these words? In fact, don't bother denying anything because I'll tell you at the outset, I know what you're thinking. It's true, absolutely. I know what you're thinking at the table. I know what you're thinking away from the table. I know what you're thinking when you're driving down the ol' [insert name of local highway here] to [insert name of local club here] to play a little $2-4, 4-8, 3-6, 6-12 with a kill, 10-20, 20-40 hold 'em Omaha lowball stud. Know how I know? Easy. I can read minds. Once I learned to read mine, yours was a snap.

Don't worry, I'll teach you too. In my munificence I plan to teach you everything I know about Killer Poker. (Don't thank me - I define myself through service.) Eventually you'll have all my secrets: how to read minds, instill dread, play like a maniac and win. Are you impatient? Do you want it all at once, all the wisdom, all the glory, all the art and science of Killer Poker? Okay, here you go. Go big or go home. There. There it is, everything you need to know to turn yourself into a winner.

So see ya.

Oh you're still here? Okay then, let's get one thing straight. If you don't have patience you're just screwing around and I don't have time for you. (That's funny, isn't it? I'm impatient with your impatience. Who cares? I'm consistently inconsistent so get used to it.)

Okay, now imagine that you're playing poker. But imagine that you're also playing a secret game called "Raise!" where the object of the game is to raise as much as possible - the more raises you make the higher your score. To your enemies, your actions would look reckless, a mistake. But according to your hidden rules, you're playing exactly correctly: a winning strategy in a different game. That's the secret, that's the wisdom. To play Killer Poker you play exactly correctly according to your own hidden rules.

Can you grasp this? Think it through. Think of all the drones around you playing book poker. They raise with big cards and fold with small ones, ho-hum. They don't get out of line, they don't want to get out of line and they don't want you to either. They want a nice, safe, congenial, cooperative game of poker. Their tightness and their discipline seem like assets, but you know what? That tightness is a straitjacket and that discipline is too.

Because think about who really wins in these games. I'm not talking about the kind of wins you book, "net plus," a few dribble-drabble dollars to the good. I'm talking about big wins. Who gets? You know who: the bold, the dominant, the sure. People who play by their own rules. Players with a feral determination to slaughter everyone in sight. Sad you, you never had a chance. And you won't until boldness and recklessness, imagination and feral determination are the tools you use and call your own.

You've been weak up till now. That can end. You've been tight up till now. That can end. You've been conservative, fearful, restless, inattentive, tyrannized, exploited, shot, stabbed and killed up till now. But that can end! And it will end if you pay rapt attention to me and do everything exactly as I say. Or let me put it in words of one syllable so you'll be sure to understand: There are two ways to think in this game: My way, and wrong.

Do I sound arrogant? Good! Arrogant is what confident wishes it was. Arrogant is how winners feel. How do you feel about that? (I could, of course, tell you exactly how you feel, for I know exactly how you feel, right down to the approach-avoidance conflict you experience every time you contemplate the tradeoff between being feared and being liked, but some things you should figure out for yourself, so I shall say no more.)

As even you know, there are four basic states of play in poker: Weak, Strong, Tight, Loose. Plus combinations in between: Weak-Tight, Weak-Loose, Strong-Tight, Strong-Loose.

But here's the thing. You can't win weak-tight and you can't win weak-loose. Can't. Can't can't can't. Weak in any form won't get it done. Not big-win done. Not get-a-hernia-carrying-racks-to-the-cage done. So that means this, flat out: If you're weak, you must stop. You must never play weak poker again. You must play strong, all the time, every time. Strong-loose, strong-tight, doesn't matter - so long as you play strong. Like I said, go big or go home.

I know what you're saying. I can hear you whining from here. You don't want to play strong. You're afraid to play strong. You tried playing strong once and it was an absolute disaster. I feel your pain, but just one thing: You weren't playing strong. You only thought you were. You may have been a bit more aggressive than usual, but you were still basically playing kosher poker. You raised with big pairs, threw away junk, etcetera, etcetera, et-interminably-and-uselessly-cetera. You hoped for the cards to fall your way, and based your hope for profit on that. Wouldn't you rather be able to win no matter how the cards fall? The best players can. They do it every day. You can too, but it's going to take transformation. Are you up for that? Are you ready to be born again?

I don't think you are. I don't think you're interested in risk at all. Know how I know? Because I'm not either. I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to the Killer Poker mindset. It does not come naturally to walk into a public place and think, "I am going to become a terrorist now." And yet that's exactly what's required. I know this. I have proof in my wallet.

You can have it too if you want it. Before you say yes, know this: I will piss you off. I will call you names. I will mock the way that you've played up till now. I intend to be rude, as if rudeness were raises and I wanted to put in the most. And if you complain I won't care. I know that you'll only change if I force you so I have to turn up the heat under you. Derision is my heat. Shock is my heat. If you can't stand the heat then maybe this isn't the, you know, kitchen for you.

But you know what? I'm being coy and why should I bother being coy with you? I don't have to build you a comfortable home here. I don't care if you stay. Higher knowledge is here if you want it. What you do next is your call.

I suggest you raise.